I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy when I was 17 years old. The whole experience of being pregnant at a young age is a complete blur to me. People will ask me questions about it and I find it difficult to remember anything from that time at all. The entire circumstance is just wrapped up in my mind as a heavy weight with a pretty bow. Emotionally being pregnant at a young age is easily the most difficult circumstance I have had to overcome. It taught me so many beautiful lessons and obviously gave me the most precious gift though.
I am a firm believer everything happens for a reason. I believe we can’t always control the things that happen to us, but we are always in control of how we respond to situations. I think it is the difficult times that truly make us grow if we choose to accept our circumstance and learn from it. It’s so easy to look at the trying times as negative, but when I was pregnant I learned the best way to approach difficult circumstances is with a grateful heart. I tell people all the time not to suppress their emotions surrounding a situation, but to accept the emotions as they are and then to release them in order to heal themselves. This week I have learned I am not so good at practicing what I preach.
I choose to live a very full life. I purposefully keep myself busy with work, friends, and family. I thought my every day routine was just my way of keeping myself happy. I wake up and make breakfast. I drink my coffee on my porch while I read an uplifting book on spirituality. I workout for at least 45 minutes. Then, I get ready and carry on with whatever I had planned for that day. If anything interrupts that morning routine, my whole day is off. That should have been my first clue I was not handling my emotions in a healthy way. It was not until this past week I learned that is not happiness; that is suppressing my emotions.
This past week I have been on vacation. I expected this to be a nice getaway from my full schedule, but instead I found myself really struggling with the fact I had absolutely no obligations this week aside from being present with my family. I discovered sitting on a beach with absolutely nothing to do was not as relaxing as it sounded. Even my trusted novel was not able to keep my mind off of the fact that the past couple of years have been extremely emotionally difficult.
I’ve always had so much respect for people who are not afraid of their emotions. Emotions are so raw and pure, but I’ve discovered I’ve been afraid of mine. If anything threatened to dampen my mood, I would immediately shake it off and pretend it didn’t happen. I took a pregnancy test, it came back positive and I shook it off and pretended it hadn’t happened. My water broke and I shook it off and took a shower instead. It has come to the point where even a song on the radio could remind me of the time before I was pregnant and I have to change it. I’m a runner and it’s not healthy.
I could tell you all the ways I plan on truly healing myself emotionally, but it won’t mean a thing unless I actually do it. Instead I just want to say, I get it. Life can be so hard at times. Inexplicable things shake our world and we find ourselves struggling to pick ourselves back up. I think the most important thing to realize is we are not victims to our circumstances. Yes, sometimes things happen when we are a victim, but when I say that I mean our circumstances do not control us. Our life situation is not our identity. Life is not happening to us, it is happening FOR us. The past or the future does not define us. The only thing that matters is the present moment where our heart and soul reside.
We must heal and learn from the past in order to be fully present. When our emotions or thoughts are stuck in the past we are creating so much blocked energy. If we put that energy into the present, we are capable of anything we believe we are. There is no doubt life can be down right hard at times, but it is nothing we can not overcome. It is nothing that was not intended for us. It is nothing which will ultimately help us grow into the person we are mean’t to be.